Full Text Of Obama's Speech
(with parenthetical thoughts as he reads the Teleprompter)
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, and fellow Americans:
Tonight we meet at an urgent time for our country. We continue to face an economic crisis that has left millions of our neighbors jobless (despite 2.4 trillion dollars in “stimulus” spending in the last twenty-five months), and a political crisis that has made things worse.
This past week, reporters have been asking “What will this speech mean for the President (aside from a desperate attempt to raise the poll numbers)? What will it mean for Congress (neat diversionary trick eh? make it look like I am not worried about MY poll numbers)? How will it affect their polls, and the next election?”
But the millions of Americans who are watching right now: they don’t care about politics (which is good, because if they did we would all have been strung-up years ago). They have real life concerns (like American Idol and Facebook) . Many have spent months looking for work . Others are doing their best just to scrape by – giving up nights out with the family to save on gas or make the mortgage; postponing retirement to send a kid to college (that is the sort of thing real people do when they are short of cash, unlike the government they can’t just print money).
These men and women grew up with faith in an America where hard work and responsibility paid off. They believed in a country where everyone gets a fair shake and does their fair share (except all those second, third and fourth generation welfare rats and Social Security disability scammers who get WAY more than their fair share) – where if you stepped up, did your job, and were loyal to your company, that loyalty would be rewarded with a decent salary and good benefits; maybe a raise once in awhile. If you did the right thing, you could make it in America.
But for decades now, Americans have watched that compact erode. They have seen the deck too often stacked against them (by my Wall Street Bankster buddies). And they know that Washington hasn’t always put their interests first (or second, or third, or fourth).
The people of this country work hard to meet their responsibilities (I mean, aside from all of those people who defaulted on the mortgages that they took knowing they couldn’t pay them). The question tonight is whether we’ll meet ours (it would be an interesting “first” if it were to happen). The question is whether, in the face of an ongoing national crisis (that the government largely created and has repeatedly made worse), we can stop the political circus and actually do something to help the economy (You see, 2.4 trillion worth of stimulus went mostly to my cronies so we will have to do it again and maybe some of THIS money will actually go for jobs); whether we can restore some of the fairness and security that has defined this nation since our beginning.
Those of us here tonight can’t solve all of our nation’s woes. Ultimately, our recovery will be driven not by Washington, but by our businesses and our workers. But we can help. We can make a difference. There are steps we can take right now to improve people’s lives (like resigning after we decommission all of the Federal government except the military).
I am sending this Congress a plan that you should pass right away (best if you don’t bother to read it, just pass it quickly, like that Healthcare thingy). It’s called the American Jobs Act (the earlier American Reinvestment & Recovery Act didn’t create jobs because there was no “Jobs” in the title of the act). There should be nothing controversial about this piece of legislation (except that it bumps the Debt Limit by a $447 billion dollar figure). Everything in here is the kind of proposal that’s been supported by both Democrats and Republicans (well, not real Republicans, just RINOs like McCain)– including many who sit here tonight. And everything in this bill will be paid for. Everything. (We can just print more money, we own the mint ya’ know )
The purpose of the American Jobs Act is simple: to put more people back to work and more money in the pockets of those who are working. It will create more jobs for construction workers (big-time Democrat Union contributors), more jobs for teachers (an even bigger honey-pot for the DNC), more jobs for veterans (who had jobs before we mobilized them but the jobs went away because we wrecked the economy to save our Bankster buddies), and more jobs for the long-term unemployed. It will provide a tax break for companies who hire new workers (but no relief from burdensome Federal regulations, the real reason everybody is going overseas) and it will cut payroll taxes in half for every working American and every small business (tax-cuts ya gotta love ‘em less money coming in will help balance the budget shortfall don’t ya know). It will provide a jolt (like a hit of Meth, and with all the healthful side effects) to an economy that has stalled, and give companies confidence that if they invest and hire (after they have fled to a nation that likes employment, like not here), there will be customers for their products and services. You should pass this jobs plan right away.
Everyone here knows that small businesses are where most new jobs begin. And you know that while corporate profits have come roaring back (for my Bankster buddies), smaller companies haven’t (because we have choked them with regulations and created an environment where they can’t access capital and have to pay huge overheads to the Obamacare Plan). So for everyone who speaks so passionately about making life easier for “job creators,” this plan is for you.
Pass this jobs bill, and starting tomorrow, small businesses will get a tax cut if they hire new workers or raise workers’ wages. Pass this jobs bill, and all small business owners will also see their payroll taxes cut in half next year. If you have 50 employees making an average salary, that’s an $80,000 tax cut. And all businesses will be able to continue writing off the investments they make in 2012. (I won’t show you the actual plan, you just have to take it on faith that this will really work.)
It’s not just Democrats who have supported this kind of proposal (it is all sorts of other crazy Leftiod nutters like commies, socialists and Nazis). Fifty House Republicans have proposed the same payroll tax cut that’s in this plan (but they attached a crazy plan that would lessen Federal tampering in the way the company is run and reduce the expense of Obamacare). You should pass it right away.
Pass this jobs bill, and we can put people to work rebuilding America (which is what the 880 billion dollar American Reinvestment Act was supposed to do but I let the Banksters and Corporate Cronies steal most of it) . Everyone here knows that we have badly decaying roads and bridges all over this country (we appropriating money for upkeep and repairs every year but the politicians keep stealing for personal projects) . Our highways are clogged with traffic. Our skies are the most congested in the world (you know that Nancy Pelosi got three jets when she was Speaker of the House, that created a lot of airway congestion).
This is inexcusable (me being President, that is). Building a world-class transportation system is part of what made us an economic superpower. And now we’re going to sit back and watch China build newer airports and faster railroads (fuck those rotten Chinese, who do they think they are wanting roads and a rail system?)? At a time when millions of unemployed construction workers could build them right here in America (because laid-off home-builders can moonlight as heavy concrete construction specialists)?
There are private construction companies all across America just waiting to get to work. There’s a bridge that needs repair between Ohio and Kentucky that’s on one of the busiest trucking routes in North America (it had money set aside for it under ARRA, but we lost that cash). A public transit project in Houston that will help clear up one of the worst areas of traffic in the country (sounds like that should be Houston’s issue, not a Federal problem). And there are schools throughout this country that desperately need renovating. How can we expect our kids to do their best in places that are literally falling apart (with lazy teachers in tiny class rooms fudging the test results)? This is America. Every child deserves a great school – and we can give it to them, if we act now.
The American Jobs Act will repair and modernize at least 35,000 schools (because my biggest financial contributors want a nice place to work for the eight months out of the year when they actually are supposed to “be at work”). It will put people to work right now fixing roofs and windows; installing science labs and high-speed internet in classrooms all across this country. It will rehabilitate homes and businesses in communities hit hardest by foreclosures (because you should be taxed more to pay for the stuff other people didn’t bother to keep up). It will jumpstart thousands of transportation projects (because all these unemployed people need good roads to drive around on with their $4.00 a gallon gas) across the country. And to make sure the money is properly spent and for good purposes, we’re building on reforms we’ve already put in place (unlike the last time you were silly enough to give us a half-trillion dollars for a Public-work project). No more earmarks (except that it is ALL earmarks). No more boondoggles. No more bridges to nowhere. We’re cutting the red tape that prevents some of these projects from getting started as quickly as possible. And we’ll set up an independent fund to attract private dollars (a.k.a Operation Slush Fund) and issue loans based on two criteria: how badly a construction project is needed (by my political buddies) and how much good it would do for the economy (and my voter base).
This idea came from a bill written by a Texas Republican and a Massachusetts Democrat (the idea yes, but I meddled with it so it is a cash-cow for my cronies). The idea for a big boost in construction is supported by America’s largest business organization (who will profit from your tax money) and America’s largest labor organization (my favorite Union contributors, after the Teacher’s Unions that is). It’s the kind of proposal that’s been supported in the past by Democrats and Republicans alike. You should pass it right away (what is this bit? It is starting to sound like a prayer refrain!)
Pass this jobs bill, and thousands of teachers in every state will go back to work (and send me more money for my re-election bid). These are the men and women charged with preparing our children for a world where the competition has never been tougher. But while they’re adding teachers in places like South Korea, we’re laying them off in droves (largely because there are a lot fewer kids than there were in the past, the legacy of rampant abortion-pushing by Feminazis). It’s unfair to our kids. It undermines their future and ours. And it has to stop. Pass this jobs bill, and put our teachers back in the classroom where they belong.
Pass this jobs bill, and companies will get extra tax credits if they hire America’s veterans. We ask these men and women to leave their careers, leave their families, and risk their lives to fight for our country (well, actually, they volunteered, it isn’t like we drafted them, so screw them, but the bitter clingers eat this shit up so I will go along). The last thing they should have to do is fight for a job when they come home. (There used to be a law requiring that companies hold a place for military personnel called away to serve our country, but Ted Kennedy, I think, lead a move to kill it.)
Pass this bill, and hundreds of thousands of disadvantaged young people will have the hope (I thought we were dropping the Hopium thing, I really have to start reading these speeches before I go on) and dignity of a summer job next year (yep another make-work program for my voter base). And their parents, low-income Americans who desperately want to work, will have more ladders out of poverty (and into the loving bosom of a permanent Government Social Security Disability Payment).
Pass this jobs bill, and companies will get a $4,000 tax credit if they hire anyone who has spent more than six months looking for a job (yes we will give our special friends a credit from your tax-money if they hire one of our voter base). We have to do more to help the long-term unemployed in their search for work (actually getting the Government out of the way of the productive part of the economy would be a good start, but we won’t go there). This jobs plan builds on a program in Georgia that several Republican leaders have highlighted, where people who collect unemployment insurance participate in temporary work as a way to build their skills while they look for a permanent job. The plan also extends unemployment insurance for another year (more gazillions of dollars to people who don’t work, but DO vote Democrat). If the millions of unemployed Americans stopped getting this insurance, and stopped using that money for basic necessities, it would be a devastating blow to this economy. Democrats and Republicans in this Chamber have supported unemployment insurance plenty of times in the past. At this time of prolonged hardship, you should pass it again – right away.
Pass this jobs bill, and the typical working family will get a fifteen hundred dollar tax cut next year (that is like, $125 a month, they could probably cover the increase in gasoline costs for a little while with that money). Fifteen hundred dollars that would have been taken out of your paycheck will go right into your pocket. This expands on the tax cut that Democrats and Republicans already passed for this year (you know, those EVIL BUSH tax-cuts). If we allow that tax cut to expire – if we refuse to act – middle-class families will get hit with a tax increase at the worst possible time. We cannot let that happen. I know some of you have sworn oaths to never raise any taxes on anyone for as long as you live. Now is not the time to carve out an exception and raise middle-class taxes, which is why you should pass this bill right away.
This is the American Jobs Act (different from the ARRA and the Stimulus and the TARP and the Auto bailouts because I get to give the money to MY buddies right before elections!!!!). It will lead to new jobs for construction workers, teachers, veterans, first responders, young people and the long-term unemployed. It will provide tax credits to companies that hire new workers, tax relief for small business owners, and tax cuts for the middle-class. And here’s the other thing I want the American people to know: the American Jobs Act will not add to the deficit. It will be paid for. And here’s how (I will have Tim Geithener and Ben Bernanke conspire to print the money)
The agreement we passed in July will cut government spending by about $1 trillion over the next ten years (wow , that is, like, about 100 billion a year). It also charges this Congress to come up with an additional $1.5 trillion in savings by Christmas. Tonight, I’m asking you to increase that amount so that it covers the full cost of the American Jobs Act (so you see I am not cutting anything at all, I am ASKING the Congress to do my dirty work so I can blame them if things go bad). And a week from Monday, I’ll be releasing a more ambitious deficit plan (that consists of smoke, mirrors, rainbows and unicorn farts) – a plan that will not only cover the cost of this jobs bill, but stabilize our debt in the long run (by printing even more money).
This approach is basically the one I’ve been advocating for months (except that I was advocating spending more money a few weeks ago and just printing money to cover the costs, but then I found out that everybody wanted to stop wasting money so I changed my mind). In addition to the trillion dollars of spending cuts (most of which won’t happen until 2016) I’ve already signed into law, it’s a balanced plan that would reduce the deficit (that is a lie, it will slightly slow the rate of increase in the deficit) by making additional spending cuts; by making modest adjustments to health care programs like Medicare and Medicaid; and by reforming our tax code in a way that asks the wealthiest Americans and biggest corporations to pay their fair share (nothing like penalizing success to ensure good jobs move overseas) What’s more, the spending cuts wouldn’t happen (well, they really just won’t happen) so abruptly that they’d be a drag on our economy, or prevent us from helping small business and middle-class families get back on their feet right away.
Now, I realize there are some in my party who don’t think we should make any changes at all to Medicare and Medicaid, and I understand their concerns. But here’s the truth. Millions of Americans rely on Medicare in their retirement. And millions more will do so in the future (except it will be broke in a few years, but that is past the elections so who cares?) They pay for this benefit during their working years. They earn it. (And then we spend it on other stuff instead of putting it away safe). But with an aging population and rising health care costs (rising even faster now that Obamacare is in place), we are spending too fast to sustain the program. And if we don’t gradually reform the system while protecting current beneficiaries, it won’t be there when future retirees need it. We have to reform Medicare to strengthen it.
I’m also well aware that there are many Republicans who don’t believe we should raise taxes on those who are most fortunate and can best afford it. But here is what every American knows (here comes another Straw Man). While most people in this country struggle to make ends meet, a few of the most affluent citizens and corporations enjoy tax breaks and loopholes that nobody else gets. Right now, Warren Buffet pays a lower tax rate than his secretary – an outrage he has asked us to fix (of course that pompous ass could just write the Government a check for an amount that he thinks he owes, but that aint happenein’). We need a tax code where everyone gets a fair shake, and everybody pays their fair share. And I believe the vast majority of wealthy Americans and CEOs are willing to do just that, if it helps the economy grow (by giving money to the Government?) and gets our fiscal house in order.
I’ll also offer ideas to reform a corporate tax code that stands as a monument to special interest influence in Washington (not that anybody will believe that I am serious about it, I owe my position to special interests). By eliminating pages of loopholes and deductions, we can lower one of the highest corporate tax rates in the world (so by reducing the escape-clauses in the Tax Code and increasing the taxes-paid we are lowering the tax rate…..if I get away with that one these folks will buy anything). Our tax code shouldn’t give an advantage to companies that can afford the best-connected lobbyists (just to MY buddies, nobody else). It should give an advantage to companies that invest and create jobs here in America (and donate heavily to my re-election bid).
So we can reduce this deficit (by printing money), pay down our debt (by printing even MORE money), and pay for this jobs plan in the process (BY PRINTING EVEN MORE MONEY). But in order to do this, we have to decide what our priorities are (like printing money and buying votes). We have to ask ourselves, “What’s the best way to grow the economy and create jobs?”
Should we keep tax loopholes for oil companies (like the ones that I selected for special preferential treatment when I closed all the other wells in the Gulf)? Or should we use that money to give small business owners a tax credit when they hire new workers? Because we can’t afford to do both (without printing money). Should we keep tax breaks for millionaires and billionaires (like me, you do know that I am worth about 35 million without the book contracts, I am so fucking rich that I didn’t notice that gas prices had gone up) ? Or should we put teachers back to work so our kids can (be indoctrinated into the Communist cult) graduate ready for college and (no) good jobs? Right now, we can’t afford to do both.
This isn’t political grandstanding (this is pure political BULSHITTING, be careful not to confuse the two). This isn’t class warfare (it is Marxism). This is simple math. These are real choices that we have to make. And I’m pretty sure I know what most Americans would choose (like I know any real Americans, right, I stay away from those stinky proles unless I am running for office). It’s not even close. And it’s time for us to do what’s right for our future.
The American Jobs Act answers the urgent need to create jobs right away (by magic). But we can’t stop there. As I’ve argued since I ran for this office (well, actually, I have never said anything like that in the past), we have to look beyond the immediate crisis and start building an economy that lasts into the future ( a proper, planned Communist economy) – an economy that creates good, middle-class jobs that pay well and offer security. We now live in a world where technology has made it possible for companies to take their business anywhere (and they all did). If we want them to start here and stay here and hire here, we have to be able to out-build, out-educate, and out-innovate every other country on Earth.
This task, of making America more competitive for the long haul, is a job for all of us. For government and for private companies. For states and for local communities – and for every American citizen. All of us will have to up our game. All of us will have to change the way we do business.
My administration can and will take some steps to improve our competitiveness on our own (by resigning en-masse). For example, if you’re a small business owner who has a contract with the federal government, we’re going to make sure you get paid a lot faster than you do now (instead of waiting up to a year we will tell you up-front that you won’t be paid at all) We’re also planning to cut away the red tape that prevents too many rapidly-growing start-up companies from raising capital and going public. And to help responsible homeowners, we’re going to work with Federal housing agencies (to re-start the housing bubble, we didn’t completely destroy the economy the first time, we WILL get it done this time) to help more people refinance their mortgages at interest rates that are now near 4% -- a step that can put more than $2,000 a year in a family’s pocket (after they paid thousands of dollars in fees to the Banksters to get a chance at the re-fi), and give a lift to an economy still burdened by the drop in housing prices.
Other steps will require Congressional action. Today you passed reform that will speed up the outdated patent process, so that entrepreneurs can turn a new idea into a new business as quickly as possible (not that I helped in any way, but it is the ONE positive thing you have done recently so I will try to take credit for it). That’s the kind of action we need. Now it’s time to clear the way for a series of trade agreements (agreements that have been waiting in the wings for approval for a decade now and have been repeatedly blocked by my party members) that would make it easier for American companies to sell their products in Panama, Colombia, and South Korea – while also helping the workers whose jobs have been affected by global competition. If Americans can buy Kias and Hyundais, I want to see folks in South Korea driving Fords and Chevys and Chryslers (so they are going to have to widen all of their roads for the SUVs). I want to see more products sold around the world stamped with three proud words: “Made in America.”
And on all of our efforts to strengthen competitiveness, we need to look for ways to work side-by-side with America’s businesses (I need to fluff the Banksters bottom line so that they get billion dollar bonuses and I get huge campaign donations). That’s why I’ve brought together a Jobs Council (of my crony buddies so that we can use tax dollars to keep their failing business-model on life support) of leaders from different industries who are developing a wide range of new ideas to help companies grow and create jobs.
Already, we’ve mobilized business leaders to train 10,000 American engineers a year (and you all thought that you went to college for such things), by providing company internships and training. Other businesses are covering tuition for workers who learn new skills at community colleges. And we’re (what is this “we” stuff, nobody has seen me do a lick of work in the last two years, it isn’t as if I am going to start) going to make sure the next generation of manufacturing takes root not in China or Europe, but right here, in the United States of America. If (big IF here kids) we provide the right incentives and support – and if we make sure our trading partners play by the rules (OK, not really, but they will have to offer bigger bribes) – we can be the ones to build everything from fuel-efficient cars to advanced biofuels to semiconductors that are sold all over the world (assuming they can get past the EPA and a dozen other alphabet soup agencies to get the permits to start building the factories). That’s how America can be number one again (just like if you want to be taller all you have to do is WISH – real hard – and it will happen). That’s how America will be number one again.
Now, I realize that some of you have a different theory on how to grow the economy (crazy stuff like getting the government out of the way and creating a safe and predictable monetary policy). Some of you sincerely believe that the only solution to our economic challenges is to simply cut most government spending and eliminate most government regulations.
Well, I agree that we can’t afford wasteful spending (it is just that my party exists solely to create targets for wasteful spending, special-interest groups, Greenies, “disadvantaged persons” gays etc etc), and I will continue to work (as hard as I have ever worked, which means “not so much”) with Congress to get rid of it. And I agree that there are some rules and regulations (actually almost all of them are aimlessly burdensome) that put an unnecessary burden on businesses at a time when they can least afford it. That’s why I ordered a review of all government regulations. So far, we’ve identified over 500 reforms (out of the over 50,000 pages of the US Code, that is like one percent of the total….that will really make a difference), which will save billions of dollars over the next few years (while I spend $447,000,000,000.00 on this “jobs program” this year). We should have no more regulation than the health, safety, and security of the American people require (and it requires a LOT of regulations to control every single aspect of your lives so that you can get back to American Idol). Every rule should meet that common sense test.
But what we can’t do – what I won’t do – is let this economic crisis be used as an excuse to wipe out the basic protections that Americans have counted on for decades (I will however use it to wipe away those safeguards that you have been counting on for the last two hundred plus years, I hates that darn Bill of Rights thingy in the Constitution). I reject the idea that we need to ask people to choose between their jobs and their safety (I embrace the idea that you should have neither jobs nor safety). I reject the argument (Straw Man Alert, what argument? who put this argument forth??) that says for the economy to grow, we have to roll back protections that ban hidden fees by credit card companies, or rules that keep our kids from being exposed to mercury (that wasn’t anything that anybody proposed either, but it makes me look like a paternal figure protecting you witless proles’), or laws that prevent the health insurance industry from shortchanging patients. I reject the idea that we have to strip away collective bargaining rights to compete in a global economy (against people worldwide that don’t have collective bargaining….you see if you can figure that one out, it makes a constant crashing sound in my head so I stopped trying, tariffs are the only way that has worked, and tariffs almost always lead to war). We shouldn’t be in a race to the bottom (but we are, check out the dollar FX rates these days, crazy Ben Bernancke is printing like a wildman), where we try to offer the cheapest labor and the worst pollution standards. America should be in a race to the top. And I believe that’s a race we can win.
In fact, this larger notion that the only thing we can do to restore prosperity is just dismantle government, refund everyone’s money, let everyone write their own rules, and tell everyone they’re on their own – that’s not who we are (because I am a Communist and I think that some faceless bureaucrat should tell you how to live your life, down to the last detail). That’s not the story of America (OK maybe it is, you rebelled against a distant overlord who wished to control your lives so that you could live in freedom, you spent nearly a decade, tens of thousands of lives and untold fortunes to achieve that goal and then wrote a Constitution that enshrined those ideals of limited government and personal rights, so, maybe that is the “story of America”).
Yes, we are rugged individualists. Yes, we are strong and self-reliant. (Who is this “We”, I doubt anybody thinks of me as a Mountain Man, hell nobody thinks of me a “rugged” at all……I have to fire that speechwriter putting these words on the teleprompter….oh, wait, he quit to go write comedy in L.A.) And it has been the drive and initiative of our workers and entrepreneurs that has made this economy the engine and envy of the world (despite the best efforts of the government to strangle the life out of them) .
But there has always been another thread running throughout our history – a belief that we are all connected (by debt and taxes, witty pun huh?); and that there are some things we can only do together, as a nation (like bankruptcy).
We all remember Abraham Lincoln as the leader who saved our Union (by killing thousands upon thousands of people). But in the middle of a Civil War, he was also a leader who looked to the future – a Republican president who mobilized government to build the transcontinental railroad (now we would be bitching and claiming that he was owned by Big Business); launch the National Academy of Sciences; and set up the first land grant colleges. And leaders of both parties have followed the example he set (by constantly expanding the reach, power and dangerousness of the government).
Ask yourselves – where would we be right now if the people who sat here before us decided not to build our highways and our bridges (we would probably have excellent roads built by private concerns that don’t consist entirely of cost overruns and pot-holes); our dams and our airports (see earlier observations about roads and bridges)? What would this country be like if we had chosen not to spend money on public high schools (probably like it was back in the “bad old days” when children graduated from high school knowing how to read and write, oh and Latin and the Classics, and advanced algebra and all that stuff), or research universities, or community colleges? Millions of returning heroes, including my grandfather (the one that liberated Auschwitz, all by himself, right before the Russians got there), had the opportunity to go to school because of the GI Bill. Where would we be if they hadn’t had that chance?
How many jobs would it have cost us if past Congresses decided not to support the basic research that led to the Internet and the computer chip (more Straw Men, that wasn’t a “Jobs Program” that was the Space Program, which I am busy killing)? What kind of country would this be if this Chamber had voted down Social Security or Medicare just because it violated some rigid idea about what government could or could not do (rigid ideas like the Constitutional Limits to Government)? How many Americans would have suffered as a result (suffered as in financial losses that will not be repaid, we spent the money on Government programs and disability checks….sorry)?
No single individual built America on their own. We built it together (more of that “WE” thing, God I hope they are buying this shtick). We have been, and always will be, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all (not that I say that “Pledge of Allegiance” thing, but it sounds good in a speech to all those “bitter clingers”); a nation with responsibilities to ourselves and with responsibilities to one another. Members of Congress, it is time for us to meet our responsibilities (and retire en-masse tomorrow).
Every proposal I’ve laid out tonight is the kind (not the same but sort of “in the manner”) that’s been supported by Democrats and Republicans (RINOs) in the past. Every proposal I’ve laid out tonight will be paid for (with printed money). And every proposal is designed to meet the urgent needs of our people and our communities (to have cash to spend on my re-election bid).
I know there’s been a lot of skepticism about whether the politics of the moment will allow us to pass this jobs plan – or any jobs plan (Hell, we haven’t had a Budget for the last three years why would we want to actually plan something?). Already, we’re seeing the same old press releases and tweets flying back and forth (there is a forest of Straw Men in this speech, I think that the writer was setting me up when he wrote this). Already, the media has proclaimed that it’s impossible to bridge our differences (past performance does not guarantee future actions, but it is a good guide). And maybe some of you have decided that those differences are so great that we can only resolve them at the ballot box (like when those crazy bitter clingers voted in you darned Tea-Baggers).
But know this: the next election is fourteen months away. And the people who sent us here – the people who hired us to work for them – they don’t have the luxury of waiting fourteen months (those people that soundly rejected the first two years of Big Government Spending that marked the first half of my term). Some of them are living week to week; paycheck to paycheck; even day to day. They need help, and they need it now.
I don’t pretend that this plan will solve all our problems (or any of them, but it gives me nearly a half-trillion dollars of pork to throw around). It shouldn’t be, nor will it be, the last plan of action we propose (I’m full of crazy nonsense like this, watch out!). What’s guided us from the start of this crisis (Marxism) hasn’t been the search for a silver bullet (because it is an economic problem, not a werewolf problem but you proles won’t be able to figure out the analogy). It’s been a commitment to stay at it – to be persistent – to keep trying every new idea that works (actually, to keep trying the same failed Keynesian idea until it works or the system collapses entirely), and listen to every good proposal, no matter which party (as long as I take the credit if it works and you get the blame if it fails) comes up with it.
Regardless of the arguments we’ve had in the past, regardless of the arguments we’ll have in the future, this plan is the right thing (for me) to do right now. You should pass it (or I will pout, and not invite you on my next multi-million dollar vacation). And I intend to take that message to every corner of this country (all 57 states if I have to). I also ask every American who agrees to lift your voice and tell the people who are gathered here tonight that you want action now. Tell Washington that doing nothing is not an option (not an option, the best idea maybe, but not an option, sadly). Remind us that if we act as one nation, and one people, we have it within our power to meet this challenge.
President Kennedy once said, “Our problems are man-made – therefore they can be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants.” (nothing like a giant ego to solve problems…..that won’t lead to any issues down the road)
These are difficult years for our country (and we are doing our best to make it worse). But we are Americans (well ,some of us are ). We are tougher than the times that we live in (but not the times before we lived in, those were tough times, when people fended for themselves and didn’t exist to suck Government teat), and we are bigger than our politics have been (what the Hell does that mean??). So let’s meet the moment. Let’s get to work, and show the world once again why the United States of America remains the greatest nation on Earth. Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America (even though we have let my Lefty buddies remove him from public life, he still HAS to love us, right?)
Tonight we meet at an urgent time for our country. We continue to face an economic crisis that has left millions of our neighbors jobless (despite 2.4 trillion dollars in “stimulus” spending in the last twenty-five months), and a political crisis that has made things worse.
This past week, reporters have been asking “What will this speech mean for the President (aside from a desperate attempt to raise the poll numbers)? What will it mean for Congress (neat diversionary trick eh? make it look like I am not worried about MY poll numbers)? How will it affect their polls, and the next election?”
But the millions of Americans who are watching right now: they don’t care about politics (which is good, because if they did we would all have been strung-up years ago). They have real life concerns (like American Idol and Facebook) . Many have spent months looking for work . Others are doing their best just to scrape by – giving up nights out with the family to save on gas or make the mortgage; postponing retirement to send a kid to college (that is the sort of thing real people do when they are short of cash, unlike the government they can’t just print money).
These men and women grew up with faith in an America where hard work and responsibility paid off. They believed in a country where everyone gets a fair shake and does their fair share (except all those second, third and fourth generation welfare rats and Social Security disability scammers who get WAY more than their fair share) – where if you stepped up, did your job, and were loyal to your company, that loyalty would be rewarded with a decent salary and good benefits; maybe a raise once in awhile. If you did the right thing, you could make it in America.
But for decades now, Americans have watched that compact erode. They have seen the deck too often stacked against them (by my Wall Street Bankster buddies). And they know that Washington hasn’t always put their interests first (or second, or third, or fourth).
The people of this country work hard to meet their responsibilities (I mean, aside from all of those people who defaulted on the mortgages that they took knowing they couldn’t pay them). The question tonight is whether we’ll meet ours (it would be an interesting “first” if it were to happen). The question is whether, in the face of an ongoing national crisis (that the government largely created and has repeatedly made worse), we can stop the political circus and actually do something to help the economy (You see, 2.4 trillion worth of stimulus went mostly to my cronies so we will have to do it again and maybe some of THIS money will actually go for jobs); whether we can restore some of the fairness and security that has defined this nation since our beginning.
Those of us here tonight can’t solve all of our nation’s woes. Ultimately, our recovery will be driven not by Washington, but by our businesses and our workers. But we can help. We can make a difference. There are steps we can take right now to improve people’s lives (like resigning after we decommission all of the Federal government except the military).
I am sending this Congress a plan that you should pass right away (best if you don’t bother to read it, just pass it quickly, like that Healthcare thingy). It’s called the American Jobs Act (the earlier American Reinvestment & Recovery Act didn’t create jobs because there was no “Jobs” in the title of the act). There should be nothing controversial about this piece of legislation (except that it bumps the Debt Limit by a $447 billion dollar figure). Everything in here is the kind of proposal that’s been supported by both Democrats and Republicans (well, not real Republicans, just RINOs like McCain)– including many who sit here tonight. And everything in this bill will be paid for. Everything. (We can just print more money, we own the mint ya’ know )
The purpose of the American Jobs Act is simple: to put more people back to work and more money in the pockets of those who are working. It will create more jobs for construction workers (big-time Democrat Union contributors), more jobs for teachers (an even bigger honey-pot for the DNC), more jobs for veterans (who had jobs before we mobilized them but the jobs went away because we wrecked the economy to save our Bankster buddies), and more jobs for the long-term unemployed. It will provide a tax break for companies who hire new workers (but no relief from burdensome Federal regulations, the real reason everybody is going overseas) and it will cut payroll taxes in half for every working American and every small business (tax-cuts ya gotta love ‘em less money coming in will help balance the budget shortfall don’t ya know). It will provide a jolt (like a hit of Meth, and with all the healthful side effects) to an economy that has stalled, and give companies confidence that if they invest and hire (after they have fled to a nation that likes employment, like not here), there will be customers for their products and services. You should pass this jobs plan right away.
Everyone here knows that small businesses are where most new jobs begin. And you know that while corporate profits have come roaring back (for my Bankster buddies), smaller companies haven’t (because we have choked them with regulations and created an environment where they can’t access capital and have to pay huge overheads to the Obamacare Plan). So for everyone who speaks so passionately about making life easier for “job creators,” this plan is for you.
Pass this jobs bill, and starting tomorrow, small businesses will get a tax cut if they hire new workers or raise workers’ wages. Pass this jobs bill, and all small business owners will also see their payroll taxes cut in half next year. If you have 50 employees making an average salary, that’s an $80,000 tax cut. And all businesses will be able to continue writing off the investments they make in 2012. (I won’t show you the actual plan, you just have to take it on faith that this will really work.)
It’s not just Democrats who have supported this kind of proposal (it is all sorts of other crazy Leftiod nutters like commies, socialists and Nazis). Fifty House Republicans have proposed the same payroll tax cut that’s in this plan (but they attached a crazy plan that would lessen Federal tampering in the way the company is run and reduce the expense of Obamacare). You should pass it right away.
Pass this jobs bill, and we can put people to work rebuilding America (which is what the 880 billion dollar American Reinvestment Act was supposed to do but I let the Banksters and Corporate Cronies steal most of it) . Everyone here knows that we have badly decaying roads and bridges all over this country (we appropriating money for upkeep and repairs every year but the politicians keep stealing for personal projects) . Our highways are clogged with traffic. Our skies are the most congested in the world (you know that Nancy Pelosi got three jets when she was Speaker of the House, that created a lot of airway congestion).
This is inexcusable (me being President, that is). Building a world-class transportation system is part of what made us an economic superpower. And now we’re going to sit back and watch China build newer airports and faster railroads (fuck those rotten Chinese, who do they think they are wanting roads and a rail system?)? At a time when millions of unemployed construction workers could build them right here in America (because laid-off home-builders can moonlight as heavy concrete construction specialists)?
There are private construction companies all across America just waiting to get to work. There’s a bridge that needs repair between Ohio and Kentucky that’s on one of the busiest trucking routes in North America (it had money set aside for it under ARRA, but we lost that cash). A public transit project in Houston that will help clear up one of the worst areas of traffic in the country (sounds like that should be Houston’s issue, not a Federal problem). And there are schools throughout this country that desperately need renovating. How can we expect our kids to do their best in places that are literally falling apart (with lazy teachers in tiny class rooms fudging the test results)? This is America. Every child deserves a great school – and we can give it to them, if we act now.
The American Jobs Act will repair and modernize at least 35,000 schools (because my biggest financial contributors want a nice place to work for the eight months out of the year when they actually are supposed to “be at work”). It will put people to work right now fixing roofs and windows; installing science labs and high-speed internet in classrooms all across this country. It will rehabilitate homes and businesses in communities hit hardest by foreclosures (because you should be taxed more to pay for the stuff other people didn’t bother to keep up). It will jumpstart thousands of transportation projects (because all these unemployed people need good roads to drive around on with their $4.00 a gallon gas) across the country. And to make sure the money is properly spent and for good purposes, we’re building on reforms we’ve already put in place (unlike the last time you were silly enough to give us a half-trillion dollars for a Public-work project). No more earmarks (except that it is ALL earmarks). No more boondoggles. No more bridges to nowhere. We’re cutting the red tape that prevents some of these projects from getting started as quickly as possible. And we’ll set up an independent fund to attract private dollars (a.k.a Operation Slush Fund) and issue loans based on two criteria: how badly a construction project is needed (by my political buddies) and how much good it would do for the economy (and my voter base).
This idea came from a bill written by a Texas Republican and a Massachusetts Democrat (the idea yes, but I meddled with it so it is a cash-cow for my cronies). The idea for a big boost in construction is supported by America’s largest business organization (who will profit from your tax money) and America’s largest labor organization (my favorite Union contributors, after the Teacher’s Unions that is). It’s the kind of proposal that’s been supported in the past by Democrats and Republicans alike. You should pass it right away (what is this bit? It is starting to sound like a prayer refrain!)
Pass this jobs bill, and thousands of teachers in every state will go back to work (and send me more money for my re-election bid). These are the men and women charged with preparing our children for a world where the competition has never been tougher. But while they’re adding teachers in places like South Korea, we’re laying them off in droves (largely because there are a lot fewer kids than there were in the past, the legacy of rampant abortion-pushing by Feminazis). It’s unfair to our kids. It undermines their future and ours. And it has to stop. Pass this jobs bill, and put our teachers back in the classroom where they belong.
Pass this jobs bill, and companies will get extra tax credits if they hire America’s veterans. We ask these men and women to leave their careers, leave their families, and risk their lives to fight for our country (well, actually, they volunteered, it isn’t like we drafted them, so screw them, but the bitter clingers eat this shit up so I will go along). The last thing they should have to do is fight for a job when they come home. (There used to be a law requiring that companies hold a place for military personnel called away to serve our country, but Ted Kennedy, I think, lead a move to kill it.)
Pass this bill, and hundreds of thousands of disadvantaged young people will have the hope (I thought we were dropping the Hopium thing, I really have to start reading these speeches before I go on) and dignity of a summer job next year (yep another make-work program for my voter base). And their parents, low-income Americans who desperately want to work, will have more ladders out of poverty (and into the loving bosom of a permanent Government Social Security Disability Payment).
Pass this jobs bill, and companies will get a $4,000 tax credit if they hire anyone who has spent more than six months looking for a job (yes we will give our special friends a credit from your tax-money if they hire one of our voter base). We have to do more to help the long-term unemployed in their search for work (actually getting the Government out of the way of the productive part of the economy would be a good start, but we won’t go there). This jobs plan builds on a program in Georgia that several Republican leaders have highlighted, where people who collect unemployment insurance participate in temporary work as a way to build their skills while they look for a permanent job. The plan also extends unemployment insurance for another year (more gazillions of dollars to people who don’t work, but DO vote Democrat). If the millions of unemployed Americans stopped getting this insurance, and stopped using that money for basic necessities, it would be a devastating blow to this economy. Democrats and Republicans in this Chamber have supported unemployment insurance plenty of times in the past. At this time of prolonged hardship, you should pass it again – right away.
Pass this jobs bill, and the typical working family will get a fifteen hundred dollar tax cut next year (that is like, $125 a month, they could probably cover the increase in gasoline costs for a little while with that money). Fifteen hundred dollars that would have been taken out of your paycheck will go right into your pocket. This expands on the tax cut that Democrats and Republicans already passed for this year (you know, those EVIL BUSH tax-cuts). If we allow that tax cut to expire – if we refuse to act – middle-class families will get hit with a tax increase at the worst possible time. We cannot let that happen. I know some of you have sworn oaths to never raise any taxes on anyone for as long as you live. Now is not the time to carve out an exception and raise middle-class taxes, which is why you should pass this bill right away.
This is the American Jobs Act (different from the ARRA and the Stimulus and the TARP and the Auto bailouts because I get to give the money to MY buddies right before elections!!!!). It will lead to new jobs for construction workers, teachers, veterans, first responders, young people and the long-term unemployed. It will provide tax credits to companies that hire new workers, tax relief for small business owners, and tax cuts for the middle-class. And here’s the other thing I want the American people to know: the American Jobs Act will not add to the deficit. It will be paid for. And here’s how (I will have Tim Geithener and Ben Bernanke conspire to print the money)
The agreement we passed in July will cut government spending by about $1 trillion over the next ten years (wow , that is, like, about 100 billion a year). It also charges this Congress to come up with an additional $1.5 trillion in savings by Christmas. Tonight, I’m asking you to increase that amount so that it covers the full cost of the American Jobs Act (so you see I am not cutting anything at all, I am ASKING the Congress to do my dirty work so I can blame them if things go bad). And a week from Monday, I’ll be releasing a more ambitious deficit plan (that consists of smoke, mirrors, rainbows and unicorn farts) – a plan that will not only cover the cost of this jobs bill, but stabilize our debt in the long run (by printing even more money).
This approach is basically the one I’ve been advocating for months (except that I was advocating spending more money a few weeks ago and just printing money to cover the costs, but then I found out that everybody wanted to stop wasting money so I changed my mind). In addition to the trillion dollars of spending cuts (most of which won’t happen until 2016) I’ve already signed into law, it’s a balanced plan that would reduce the deficit (that is a lie, it will slightly slow the rate of increase in the deficit) by making additional spending cuts; by making modest adjustments to health care programs like Medicare and Medicaid; and by reforming our tax code in a way that asks the wealthiest Americans and biggest corporations to pay their fair share (nothing like penalizing success to ensure good jobs move overseas) What’s more, the spending cuts wouldn’t happen (well, they really just won’t happen) so abruptly that they’d be a drag on our economy, or prevent us from helping small business and middle-class families get back on their feet right away.
Now, I realize there are some in my party who don’t think we should make any changes at all to Medicare and Medicaid, and I understand their concerns. But here’s the truth. Millions of Americans rely on Medicare in their retirement. And millions more will do so in the future (except it will be broke in a few years, but that is past the elections so who cares?) They pay for this benefit during their working years. They earn it. (And then we spend it on other stuff instead of putting it away safe). But with an aging population and rising health care costs (rising even faster now that Obamacare is in place), we are spending too fast to sustain the program. And if we don’t gradually reform the system while protecting current beneficiaries, it won’t be there when future retirees need it. We have to reform Medicare to strengthen it.
I’m also well aware that there are many Republicans who don’t believe we should raise taxes on those who are most fortunate and can best afford it. But here is what every American knows (here comes another Straw Man). While most people in this country struggle to make ends meet, a few of the most affluent citizens and corporations enjoy tax breaks and loopholes that nobody else gets. Right now, Warren Buffet pays a lower tax rate than his secretary – an outrage he has asked us to fix (of course that pompous ass could just write the Government a check for an amount that he thinks he owes, but that aint happenein’). We need a tax code where everyone gets a fair shake, and everybody pays their fair share. And I believe the vast majority of wealthy Americans and CEOs are willing to do just that, if it helps the economy grow (by giving money to the Government?) and gets our fiscal house in order.
I’ll also offer ideas to reform a corporate tax code that stands as a monument to special interest influence in Washington (not that anybody will believe that I am serious about it, I owe my position to special interests). By eliminating pages of loopholes and deductions, we can lower one of the highest corporate tax rates in the world (so by reducing the escape-clauses in the Tax Code and increasing the taxes-paid we are lowering the tax rate…..if I get away with that one these folks will buy anything). Our tax code shouldn’t give an advantage to companies that can afford the best-connected lobbyists (just to MY buddies, nobody else). It should give an advantage to companies that invest and create jobs here in America (and donate heavily to my re-election bid).
So we can reduce this deficit (by printing money), pay down our debt (by printing even MORE money), and pay for this jobs plan in the process (BY PRINTING EVEN MORE MONEY). But in order to do this, we have to decide what our priorities are (like printing money and buying votes). We have to ask ourselves, “What’s the best way to grow the economy and create jobs?”
Should we keep tax loopholes for oil companies (like the ones that I selected for special preferential treatment when I closed all the other wells in the Gulf)? Or should we use that money to give small business owners a tax credit when they hire new workers? Because we can’t afford to do both (without printing money). Should we keep tax breaks for millionaires and billionaires (like me, you do know that I am worth about 35 million without the book contracts, I am so fucking rich that I didn’t notice that gas prices had gone up) ? Or should we put teachers back to work so our kids can (be indoctrinated into the Communist cult) graduate ready for college and (no) good jobs? Right now, we can’t afford to do both.
This isn’t political grandstanding (this is pure political BULSHITTING, be careful not to confuse the two). This isn’t class warfare (it is Marxism). This is simple math. These are real choices that we have to make. And I’m pretty sure I know what most Americans would choose (like I know any real Americans, right, I stay away from those stinky proles unless I am running for office). It’s not even close. And it’s time for us to do what’s right for our future.
The American Jobs Act answers the urgent need to create jobs right away (by magic). But we can’t stop there. As I’ve argued since I ran for this office (well, actually, I have never said anything like that in the past), we have to look beyond the immediate crisis and start building an economy that lasts into the future ( a proper, planned Communist economy) – an economy that creates good, middle-class jobs that pay well and offer security. We now live in a world where technology has made it possible for companies to take their business anywhere (and they all did). If we want them to start here and stay here and hire here, we have to be able to out-build, out-educate, and out-innovate every other country on Earth.
This task, of making America more competitive for the long haul, is a job for all of us. For government and for private companies. For states and for local communities – and for every American citizen. All of us will have to up our game. All of us will have to change the way we do business.
My administration can and will take some steps to improve our competitiveness on our own (by resigning en-masse). For example, if you’re a small business owner who has a contract with the federal government, we’re going to make sure you get paid a lot faster than you do now (instead of waiting up to a year we will tell you up-front that you won’t be paid at all) We’re also planning to cut away the red tape that prevents too many rapidly-growing start-up companies from raising capital and going public. And to help responsible homeowners, we’re going to work with Federal housing agencies (to re-start the housing bubble, we didn’t completely destroy the economy the first time, we WILL get it done this time) to help more people refinance their mortgages at interest rates that are now near 4% -- a step that can put more than $2,000 a year in a family’s pocket (after they paid thousands of dollars in fees to the Banksters to get a chance at the re-fi), and give a lift to an economy still burdened by the drop in housing prices.
Other steps will require Congressional action. Today you passed reform that will speed up the outdated patent process, so that entrepreneurs can turn a new idea into a new business as quickly as possible (not that I helped in any way, but it is the ONE positive thing you have done recently so I will try to take credit for it). That’s the kind of action we need. Now it’s time to clear the way for a series of trade agreements (agreements that have been waiting in the wings for approval for a decade now and have been repeatedly blocked by my party members) that would make it easier for American companies to sell their products in Panama, Colombia, and South Korea – while also helping the workers whose jobs have been affected by global competition. If Americans can buy Kias and Hyundais, I want to see folks in South Korea driving Fords and Chevys and Chryslers (so they are going to have to widen all of their roads for the SUVs). I want to see more products sold around the world stamped with three proud words: “Made in America.”
And on all of our efforts to strengthen competitiveness, we need to look for ways to work side-by-side with America’s businesses (I need to fluff the Banksters bottom line so that they get billion dollar bonuses and I get huge campaign donations). That’s why I’ve brought together a Jobs Council (of my crony buddies so that we can use tax dollars to keep their failing business-model on life support) of leaders from different industries who are developing a wide range of new ideas to help companies grow and create jobs.
Already, we’ve mobilized business leaders to train 10,000 American engineers a year (and you all thought that you went to college for such things), by providing company internships and training. Other businesses are covering tuition for workers who learn new skills at community colleges. And we’re (what is this “we” stuff, nobody has seen me do a lick of work in the last two years, it isn’t as if I am going to start) going to make sure the next generation of manufacturing takes root not in China or Europe, but right here, in the United States of America. If (big IF here kids) we provide the right incentives and support – and if we make sure our trading partners play by the rules (OK, not really, but they will have to offer bigger bribes) – we can be the ones to build everything from fuel-efficient cars to advanced biofuels to semiconductors that are sold all over the world (assuming they can get past the EPA and a dozen other alphabet soup agencies to get the permits to start building the factories). That’s how America can be number one again (just like if you want to be taller all you have to do is WISH – real hard – and it will happen). That’s how America will be number one again.
Now, I realize that some of you have a different theory on how to grow the economy (crazy stuff like getting the government out of the way and creating a safe and predictable monetary policy). Some of you sincerely believe that the only solution to our economic challenges is to simply cut most government spending and eliminate most government regulations.
Well, I agree that we can’t afford wasteful spending (it is just that my party exists solely to create targets for wasteful spending, special-interest groups, Greenies, “disadvantaged persons” gays etc etc), and I will continue to work (as hard as I have ever worked, which means “not so much”) with Congress to get rid of it. And I agree that there are some rules and regulations (actually almost all of them are aimlessly burdensome) that put an unnecessary burden on businesses at a time when they can least afford it. That’s why I ordered a review of all government regulations. So far, we’ve identified over 500 reforms (out of the over 50,000 pages of the US Code, that is like one percent of the total….that will really make a difference), which will save billions of dollars over the next few years (while I spend $447,000,000,000.00 on this “jobs program” this year). We should have no more regulation than the health, safety, and security of the American people require (and it requires a LOT of regulations to control every single aspect of your lives so that you can get back to American Idol). Every rule should meet that common sense test.
But what we can’t do – what I won’t do – is let this economic crisis be used as an excuse to wipe out the basic protections that Americans have counted on for decades (I will however use it to wipe away those safeguards that you have been counting on for the last two hundred plus years, I hates that darn Bill of Rights thingy in the Constitution). I reject the idea that we need to ask people to choose between their jobs and their safety (I embrace the idea that you should have neither jobs nor safety). I reject the argument (Straw Man Alert, what argument? who put this argument forth??) that says for the economy to grow, we have to roll back protections that ban hidden fees by credit card companies, or rules that keep our kids from being exposed to mercury (that wasn’t anything that anybody proposed either, but it makes me look like a paternal figure protecting you witless proles’), or laws that prevent the health insurance industry from shortchanging patients. I reject the idea that we have to strip away collective bargaining rights to compete in a global economy (against people worldwide that don’t have collective bargaining….you see if you can figure that one out, it makes a constant crashing sound in my head so I stopped trying, tariffs are the only way that has worked, and tariffs almost always lead to war). We shouldn’t be in a race to the bottom (but we are, check out the dollar FX rates these days, crazy Ben Bernancke is printing like a wildman), where we try to offer the cheapest labor and the worst pollution standards. America should be in a race to the top. And I believe that’s a race we can win.
In fact, this larger notion that the only thing we can do to restore prosperity is just dismantle government, refund everyone’s money, let everyone write their own rules, and tell everyone they’re on their own – that’s not who we are (because I am a Communist and I think that some faceless bureaucrat should tell you how to live your life, down to the last detail). That’s not the story of America (OK maybe it is, you rebelled against a distant overlord who wished to control your lives so that you could live in freedom, you spent nearly a decade, tens of thousands of lives and untold fortunes to achieve that goal and then wrote a Constitution that enshrined those ideals of limited government and personal rights, so, maybe that is the “story of America”).
Yes, we are rugged individualists. Yes, we are strong and self-reliant. (Who is this “We”, I doubt anybody thinks of me as a Mountain Man, hell nobody thinks of me a “rugged” at all……I have to fire that speechwriter putting these words on the teleprompter….oh, wait, he quit to go write comedy in L.A.) And it has been the drive and initiative of our workers and entrepreneurs that has made this economy the engine and envy of the world (despite the best efforts of the government to strangle the life out of them) .
But there has always been another thread running throughout our history – a belief that we are all connected (by debt and taxes, witty pun huh?); and that there are some things we can only do together, as a nation (like bankruptcy).
We all remember Abraham Lincoln as the leader who saved our Union (by killing thousands upon thousands of people). But in the middle of a Civil War, he was also a leader who looked to the future – a Republican president who mobilized government to build the transcontinental railroad (now we would be bitching and claiming that he was owned by Big Business); launch the National Academy of Sciences; and set up the first land grant colleges. And leaders of both parties have followed the example he set (by constantly expanding the reach, power and dangerousness of the government).
Ask yourselves – where would we be right now if the people who sat here before us decided not to build our highways and our bridges (we would probably have excellent roads built by private concerns that don’t consist entirely of cost overruns and pot-holes); our dams and our airports (see earlier observations about roads and bridges)? What would this country be like if we had chosen not to spend money on public high schools (probably like it was back in the “bad old days” when children graduated from high school knowing how to read and write, oh and Latin and the Classics, and advanced algebra and all that stuff), or research universities, or community colleges? Millions of returning heroes, including my grandfather (the one that liberated Auschwitz, all by himself, right before the Russians got there), had the opportunity to go to school because of the GI Bill. Where would we be if they hadn’t had that chance?
How many jobs would it have cost us if past Congresses decided not to support the basic research that led to the Internet and the computer chip (more Straw Men, that wasn’t a “Jobs Program” that was the Space Program, which I am busy killing)? What kind of country would this be if this Chamber had voted down Social Security or Medicare just because it violated some rigid idea about what government could or could not do (rigid ideas like the Constitutional Limits to Government)? How many Americans would have suffered as a result (suffered as in financial losses that will not be repaid, we spent the money on Government programs and disability checks….sorry)?
No single individual built America on their own. We built it together (more of that “WE” thing, God I hope they are buying this shtick). We have been, and always will be, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all (not that I say that “Pledge of Allegiance” thing, but it sounds good in a speech to all those “bitter clingers”); a nation with responsibilities to ourselves and with responsibilities to one another. Members of Congress, it is time for us to meet our responsibilities (and retire en-masse tomorrow).
Every proposal I’ve laid out tonight is the kind (not the same but sort of “in the manner”) that’s been supported by Democrats and Republicans (RINOs) in the past. Every proposal I’ve laid out tonight will be paid for (with printed money). And every proposal is designed to meet the urgent needs of our people and our communities (to have cash to spend on my re-election bid).
I know there’s been a lot of skepticism about whether the politics of the moment will allow us to pass this jobs plan – or any jobs plan (Hell, we haven’t had a Budget for the last three years why would we want to actually plan something?). Already, we’re seeing the same old press releases and tweets flying back and forth (there is a forest of Straw Men in this speech, I think that the writer was setting me up when he wrote this). Already, the media has proclaimed that it’s impossible to bridge our differences (past performance does not guarantee future actions, but it is a good guide). And maybe some of you have decided that those differences are so great that we can only resolve them at the ballot box (like when those crazy bitter clingers voted in you darned Tea-Baggers).
But know this: the next election is fourteen months away. And the people who sent us here – the people who hired us to work for them – they don’t have the luxury of waiting fourteen months (those people that soundly rejected the first two years of Big Government Spending that marked the first half of my term). Some of them are living week to week; paycheck to paycheck; even day to day. They need help, and they need it now.
I don’t pretend that this plan will solve all our problems (or any of them, but it gives me nearly a half-trillion dollars of pork to throw around). It shouldn’t be, nor will it be, the last plan of action we propose (I’m full of crazy nonsense like this, watch out!). What’s guided us from the start of this crisis (Marxism) hasn’t been the search for a silver bullet (because it is an economic problem, not a werewolf problem but you proles won’t be able to figure out the analogy). It’s been a commitment to stay at it – to be persistent – to keep trying every new idea that works (actually, to keep trying the same failed Keynesian idea until it works or the system collapses entirely), and listen to every good proposal, no matter which party (as long as I take the credit if it works and you get the blame if it fails) comes up with it.
Regardless of the arguments we’ve had in the past, regardless of the arguments we’ll have in the future, this plan is the right thing (for me) to do right now. You should pass it (or I will pout, and not invite you on my next multi-million dollar vacation). And I intend to take that message to every corner of this country (all 57 states if I have to). I also ask every American who agrees to lift your voice and tell the people who are gathered here tonight that you want action now. Tell Washington that doing nothing is not an option (not an option, the best idea maybe, but not an option, sadly). Remind us that if we act as one nation, and one people, we have it within our power to meet this challenge.
President Kennedy once said, “Our problems are man-made – therefore they can be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants.” (nothing like a giant ego to solve problems…..that won’t lead to any issues down the road)
These are difficult years for our country (and we are doing our best to make it worse). But we are Americans (well ,some of us are ). We are tougher than the times that we live in (but not the times before we lived in, those were tough times, when people fended for themselves and didn’t exist to suck Government teat), and we are bigger than our politics have been (what the Hell does that mean??). So let’s meet the moment. Let’s get to work, and show the world once again why the United States of America remains the greatest nation on Earth. Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America (even though we have let my Lefty buddies remove him from public life, he still HAS to love us, right?)
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